I am finding it very hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I have a spent an entire year with you in my life. Like a flash it has all passed, yet it seems that I am clinging to every moment I got to spend with you and watch you grow. How can it be a year when the feelings of giving birth to you are still on the surface of my existence and that memory is still so fresh in my mind? That moment when I first saw you amid all the noise, confusion and panic; time stood still and I was awe-struck by how beautiful you were, how much perfection there was in the tiny hand I kissed, how much you gave me in that instant. Especially since I had resorted to living a life without you. I had waited a very long time to be a mother and eventually I had given up and decided that it is just going to be me and your father for the rest of our lives. It was a happy home, even when you were not there. We were truly in love and my life was perfect in all ways but one. Then I discovered that I was pregnant and in all honesty, this discovery made me the most scared I have ever been in my life. I was petrified, I called my father, your Nana, and when I heard his voice, fear overcame every other feeling inside me and I started sobbing. I asked him, “Is it possible that one person can be blessed with everything he has ever wished for?” He replied, “It is not common, but it can happen. Why are you asking?” I answered, “That is my fear, the uncommon. I think I am going to be a mother and if that happens, I will have everything I have ever asked for.” That is how I survived my pregnancy, nervous, scared, desperate for an ultrasound scan just so I could hear your heart beating inside me, anxious if I couldn’t feel you moving, willing you to live and praying to hold your little face in my hand one day and kiss you.
How did I ever think that I will have a life without you? How could I, when you were my destiny, my purpose, my reward on the path that I was walking on. How could I, when your story was intertwined with mine. All of a sudden, my story doesn’t seem so significant anymore. I only wish to be a part of your journey and see where you take me. I pray that I am there for all the vital moments, to see you go to school, to see you go to college, to see grow into a woman who makes me swell with pride, to see you with someone who can love you more than I do. Then I will know that you will be fine, then I can go peacefully. But until then, I want to stay with you and watch and be amazed at the miracle I gave birth to.
Thank you Zahra, for being my daughter, for enriching my life with such beautiful colors, for acquainting me to myself. Thank you for elevating us from a happy couple to a happy family.
Happy birthday my baby.